WEBVTT 1 00:00:15.340 --> 00:00:17.280 - My father was never talkative, 2 00:00:17.280 --> 00:00:20.773 so I really never knew knew him as a person. 3 00:00:21.890 --> 00:00:26.300 And my mother, she would talk, 4 00:00:26.300 --> 00:00:31.300 but then it never seemed to sink into me. 5 00:00:31.532 --> 00:00:34.690 And, I guess she didn't do a good enough job. 6 00:00:34.690 --> 00:00:36.610 - [Debbie] Well who were you closer to, 7 00:00:36.610 --> 00:00:39.040 your mother or your father? 8 00:00:39.040 --> 00:00:41.130 - Closer to my mother and my father? 9 00:00:41.130 --> 00:00:43.720 - [Debbie] Which one were you closer to? 10 00:00:43.720 --> 00:00:45.810 - I think I was closer to my mother. 11 00:00:45.810 --> 00:00:46.643 - [Debbie] Yeah. 12 00:00:46.643 --> 00:00:48.993 That usually happens, yeah. 13 00:00:50.415 --> 00:00:52.250 - [Doris] Were you close to your parents? 14 00:00:52.250 --> 00:00:54.062 - [Debbie] I was closer to my mother. 15 00:00:54.062 --> 00:00:55.645 - [Doris] You were? 16 00:00:56.670 --> 00:00:58.570 - [Debbie] You know who my mother was? 17 00:00:59.560 --> 00:01:00.393 You. 18 00:01:01.815 --> 00:01:03.236 - I was your mother? 19 00:01:03.236 --> 00:01:04.430 - [Debbie] Yes. 20 00:01:04.430 --> 00:01:06.099 - You mean your mother liked me 21 00:01:06.099 --> 00:01:09.370 and decided I should be something. 22 00:01:09.370 --> 00:01:10.907 - [Debbie] You are my mother. 23 00:01:12.118 --> 00:01:14.250 - How can I really be your mother then? 24 00:01:14.250 --> 00:01:15.629 - [Debbie] You are, I don't know. 25 00:01:15.629 --> 00:01:16.462 - I don't know. 26 00:01:16.462 --> 00:01:17.523 Something went wrong. 27 00:01:21.210 --> 00:01:23.590 Well, we did something peculiar to say the least. 28 00:01:23.590 --> 00:01:26.600 - [Debbie] Well, I think something went right. 29 00:01:26.600 --> 00:01:27.792 That's how... 30 00:01:27.792 --> 00:01:30.209 - Oh, that's how it reversed? 31 00:01:43.240 --> 00:01:46.103 - All along the way there were certain milestones. 32 00:01:48.800 --> 00:01:52.547 The first time that she said to me, 33 00:01:52.547 --> 00:01:54.890 "How exactly are we related?" 34 00:01:54.890 --> 00:01:57.140 Or, the first time that she asked me 35 00:01:57.140 --> 00:02:01.690 if I had any siblings or if I had ever been to New York, 36 00:02:01.690 --> 00:02:06.443 where I was born, or if I had ever met Banesh, my father. 37 00:02:07.920 --> 00:02:09.360 There was the first time she asked 38 00:02:09.360 --> 00:02:13.163 if we had gone to elementary school together, 39 00:02:14.444 --> 00:02:19.444 and little by little you adjust what shocks you. 40 00:02:26.710 --> 00:02:27.700 - No, that's all right. 41 00:02:27.700 --> 00:02:30.280 I don't have the hearing aid in. 42 00:02:30.280 --> 00:02:31.113 - No. 43 00:02:32.470 --> 00:02:34.276 - Yeah, that's where you get your, 44 00:02:34.276 --> 00:02:36.357 what do you call 'em, little knots? 45 00:02:36.357 --> 00:02:37.560 - Little knots, 46 00:02:37.560 --> 00:02:40.240 yes a little tangled. - Yes, that's it. 47 00:02:40.240 --> 00:02:42.420 - When my mother was about 70 48 00:02:42.420 --> 00:02:46.070 she began to have, what everyone called, 49 00:02:46.070 --> 00:02:49.680 problems with her memory, but it was... 50 00:02:50.930 --> 00:02:54.070 It was the type of thing that I have, 51 00:02:54.070 --> 00:02:55.520 for whatever that's worth, 52 00:02:55.520 --> 00:02:58.570 but it's the type of thing a lot of people have. 53 00:02:58.570 --> 00:03:00.393 She got kind of repetitive, 54 00:03:01.283 --> 00:03:04.750 and then she got more repetitive, 55 00:03:04.750 --> 00:03:07.380 and while my father was alive, 56 00:03:07.380 --> 00:03:08.720 he very much was a buffer. 57 00:03:08.720 --> 00:03:10.860 He covered for her, 58 00:03:10.860 --> 00:03:12.700 and I guess the first indication 59 00:03:12.700 --> 00:03:16.320 that this was maybe a little more than just 60 00:03:16.320 --> 00:03:20.719 getting a little forgetful was when my father died, 61 00:03:20.719 --> 00:03:24.203 and she managed to call and tell me that he had died. 62 00:03:26.290 --> 00:03:29.183 I flew home, I flew back to New York, 63 00:03:29.183 --> 00:03:33.050 and when I got there she didn't know where the body was. 64 00:03:33.050 --> 00:03:35.030 She had had no idea what had happened to the body, 65 00:03:35.030 --> 00:03:37.210 and in fact then over the next few days 66 00:03:37.210 --> 00:03:39.600 she had no idea that he had died, 67 00:03:39.600 --> 00:03:42.190 and she kept asking where he was 68 00:03:44.020 --> 00:03:46.487 which was disconcerting to have to keep saying, 69 00:03:46.487 --> 00:03:50.506 "Well, he died yesterday." 70 00:03:50.506 --> 00:03:53.089 (gentle music) 71 00:04:03.800 --> 00:04:07.540 - [Doris] Things have not been easy for him lately either. 72 00:04:07.540 --> 00:04:08.373 - [Debbie] How is that? 73 00:04:08.373 --> 00:04:11.383 - I'm not sure if he's healthy or not. 74 00:04:14.991 --> 00:04:16.760 No, I think his health... 75 00:04:17.940 --> 00:04:21.019 It could be a short life. 76 00:04:24.810 --> 00:04:28.610 - Well, you know, Banesh died about five years ago. 77 00:04:28.610 --> 00:04:30.700 - Yeah, I know, but he told us. 78 00:04:30.700 --> 00:04:31.570 Wasn't that it? 79 00:04:31.570 --> 00:04:32.650 - No, we knew. 80 00:04:32.650 --> 00:04:35.060 You were there when it happened. 81 00:04:35.060 --> 00:04:39.370 - Oh, and he's been gone of course since then? 82 00:04:39.370 --> 00:04:41.723 - Yeah. 83 00:04:41.723 --> 00:04:42.853 - Yes, I realized it. 84 00:04:42.853 --> 00:04:47.853 And, it was in a muddled stage for each of us. 85 00:04:48.010 --> 00:04:51.773 You know, we each had a relationship with Banesh, 86 00:04:55.550 --> 00:04:58.803 and then he was gone and he was a different person. 87 00:05:00.100 --> 00:05:05.100 We knew he'd died, and it just never came back again. 88 00:05:06.370 --> 00:05:07.863 It couldn't. - Right. 89 00:05:10.790 --> 00:05:13.053 - So, it wasn't easy, 90 00:05:14.812 --> 00:05:18.420 and you don't just change people. 91 00:05:18.420 --> 00:05:19.503 They're gone. 92 00:05:22.739 --> 00:05:25.572 (emotional music) 93 00:05:27.520 --> 00:05:29.403 - [Debbie] Even though she can be 94 00:05:29.403 --> 00:05:32.550 profoundly confused on some levels, 95 00:05:32.550 --> 00:05:36.440 at the same time she can function amazingly well, 96 00:05:36.440 --> 00:05:39.420 and what she wanted at that point was to move 97 00:05:39.420 --> 00:05:42.640 back to California, which is where she grew up, 98 00:05:42.640 --> 00:05:47.640 and that began my role as the overseer of her life. 99 00:05:49.070 --> 00:05:50.520 - Debbie? 100 00:05:50.520 --> 00:05:51.870 - [Debbie] Yes. 101 00:05:51.870 --> 00:05:52.703 - You're here. 102 00:05:52.703 --> 00:05:55.420 - She's taking a picture of both of us. 103 00:05:55.420 --> 00:05:57.986 - Just now we're gonna get it. 104 00:05:57.986 --> 00:06:00.383 So, look at Frances. 105 00:06:04.620 --> 00:06:05.970 - [Frances] Okay, I got it. 106 00:06:10.490 --> 00:06:11.637 - I should have a key. 107 00:06:22.300 --> 00:06:23.643 Everything is missing. 108 00:06:25.154 --> 00:06:27.847 - Once she noticed she had a problem with her memory 109 00:06:27.847 --> 00:06:29.580 she would compensate. 110 00:06:29.580 --> 00:06:31.960 She would write everything down. 111 00:06:31.960 --> 00:06:34.553 She would have notes to remind herself of things, 112 00:06:40.920 --> 00:06:42.589 and I think the first time that notes 113 00:06:42.589 --> 00:06:47.589 really became a problem and no longer just a useful aid 114 00:06:51.120 --> 00:06:55.023 was what I later started to call the Dentist Period. 115 00:07:02.650 --> 00:07:04.890 And, the Dentist Period actually began 116 00:07:04.890 --> 00:07:07.593 because she had something wrong with a tooth of hers, 117 00:07:09.400 --> 00:07:11.490 and she began to write notes to herself 118 00:07:11.490 --> 00:07:12.470 because she was afraid 119 00:07:12.470 --> 00:07:14.470 that she was gonna miss the appointment. 120 00:07:15.720 --> 00:07:18.080 And, the notes piled up 121 00:07:18.080 --> 00:07:22.133 and became a complete and utter obsession. 122 00:07:27.410 --> 00:07:29.620 And, while this was the topic, 123 00:07:29.620 --> 00:07:34.277 while the tooth was the topic, it was the only topic. 124 00:07:34.277 --> 00:07:36.250 It was the only thing that was talked about 125 00:07:36.250 --> 00:07:37.493 for weeks on end, 126 00:07:44.580 --> 00:07:46.700 but eventually she made the appointment, 127 00:07:46.700 --> 00:07:51.111 her tooth was taken care of, and yet rather than that 128 00:07:51.111 --> 00:07:56.111 ending this period, in fact, everything escalated, 129 00:07:58.332 --> 00:08:02.280 and she began going to the dentist 130 00:08:02.280 --> 00:08:05.083 for no reason whatsoever every day. 131 00:08:06.670 --> 00:08:09.333 So, every morning I would call her, 132 00:08:10.200 --> 00:08:12.780 and I would plead with her over the phone. 133 00:08:12.780 --> 00:08:15.533 I would say, "You don't have to go to the dentist today. 134 00:08:15.533 --> 00:08:17.997 "You don't have to do anything today. 135 00:08:17.997 --> 00:08:19.267 "Don't go anywhere. 136 00:08:19.267 --> 00:08:20.610 "Stay home." 137 00:08:20.610 --> 00:08:22.410 And, I would just be pleading. 138 00:08:22.410 --> 00:08:27.410 And, she would seem to understand. 139 00:08:27.680 --> 00:08:29.099 She would say, "Oh, you're right. 140 00:08:29.099 --> 00:08:32.347 "Okay, I don't have an appointment today. 141 00:08:32.347 --> 00:08:34.980 "I'll stay home," and I would hang up, 142 00:08:34.980 --> 00:08:37.380 and I would be so proud of myself and so grateful 143 00:08:37.380 --> 00:08:38.679 and think, "Aha, I've done it." 144 00:08:38.679 --> 00:08:40.890 And, literally half an hour later, 145 00:08:40.890 --> 00:08:43.590 the dentist would call and tell me that she was there. 146 00:08:44.530 --> 00:08:46.583 And, then her hearing aid broke. 147 00:08:51.380 --> 00:08:53.810 This was still at a point where I hadn't understood 148 00:08:53.810 --> 00:08:58.250 that notes were the enemy, and so I bought into it. 149 00:08:58.250 --> 00:08:59.613 I wrote her notes. 150 00:09:04.760 --> 00:09:06.340 But, she copied my note over, 151 00:09:06.340 --> 00:09:09.793 so then we had a pile of hearing aid notes, 152 00:09:11.260 --> 00:09:14.460 and along with all the hearing aid notes 153 00:09:14.460 --> 00:09:19.460 somehow my phone number started to appear. 154 00:09:19.463 --> 00:09:22.130 (phone ringing) 155 00:09:23.364 --> 00:09:26.460 - [Doris] Debbie, this is your mother, 156 00:09:26.460 --> 00:09:28.980 and I wondered what the latest was 157 00:09:28.980 --> 00:09:31.810 on the hearing aid situation. 158 00:09:31.810 --> 00:09:34.723 Let me know when you have time, thanks. 159 00:09:38.220 --> 00:09:40.093 - [Voicemail] Monday, 10:30am. 160 00:09:41.910 --> 00:09:43.300 - [Doris] Debbie, I'm your mother, 161 00:09:43.300 --> 00:09:48.300 and I think that the hearing aid has improved. 162 00:09:49.500 --> 00:09:50.533 Do you know? 163 00:09:55.360 --> 00:09:57.853 - [Voicemail] Monday 10:35am. 164 00:09:59.290 --> 00:10:04.070 - [Doris] I'm Doris Hoffman, Debbie Hoffman's mother, 165 00:10:04.070 --> 00:10:08.500 and I want to get some information 166 00:10:08.500 --> 00:10:11.893 on hearing aid batteries, thank you. 167 00:10:15.000 --> 00:10:18.651 - [Voicemail] Monday, 10:46am. 168 00:10:18.651 --> 00:10:21.020 - [Doris] I'm Debbie, your daughter, 169 00:10:21.020 --> 00:10:24.500 and I wanted to know about the hearing aid. 170 00:10:24.500 --> 00:10:25.503 Are you there? 171 00:10:27.720 --> 00:10:29.380 - [Voicemail] Monday, 11:02am. 172 00:10:31.166 --> 00:10:33.750 - [Doris] Debbie, you were talking to me, 173 00:10:33.750 --> 00:10:36.560 but I wanted to find out if there's any news 174 00:10:36.560 --> 00:10:38.280 about the hearing aids. 175 00:10:39.711 --> 00:10:41.513 Did you follow or did you hang up? 176 00:10:42.600 --> 00:10:44.220 Bye bye. 177 00:10:44.220 --> 00:10:45.910 - [Voicemail] Monday, 11:30am. 178 00:10:47.351 --> 00:10:50.018 (watch ticking) 179 00:10:52.210 --> 00:10:54.850 - If I was home, and I picked up the phone, 180 00:10:54.850 --> 00:10:59.216 and I tried to explain, "Your hearing aid is being repaired. 181 00:10:59.216 --> 00:11:02.410 "Go find the note that I left you," 182 00:11:02.410 --> 00:11:04.730 well, there couldn't be anything more disastrous 183 00:11:04.730 --> 00:11:06.830 than that to say on some many levels 184 00:11:06.830 --> 00:11:09.897 because first of all that meant she left the phone, 185 00:11:09.897 --> 00:11:11.830 so there I am on the phone, 186 00:11:11.830 --> 00:11:14.100 and I've just sent her off into her apartment. 187 00:11:14.100 --> 00:11:17.160 She's not gonna remember what she's looking for. 188 00:11:17.160 --> 00:11:20.197 I'm there screaming into the empty phone, 189 00:11:20.197 --> 00:11:22.117 "No, no, come back, come back!" 190 00:11:24.665 --> 00:11:27.665 (dial tone beeping) 191 00:11:35.490 --> 00:11:36.630 - [Doris] Well Debbie, 192 00:11:36.630 --> 00:11:40.200 I've been waiting outside of my apartment. 193 00:11:40.200 --> 00:11:42.800 I hope everything's going well. 194 00:11:42.800 --> 00:11:44.793 Call me back. 195 00:11:46.130 --> 00:11:48.814 I'll be outside my apartment. 196 00:11:48.814 --> 00:11:49.647 Thank you. 197 00:11:50.764 --> 00:11:53.431 (playful music) 198 00:12:00.750 --> 00:12:03.530 - There was the Lorna Doone Period 199 00:12:03.530 --> 00:12:05.439 where she kept boxes of Lorna Doones 200 00:12:05.439 --> 00:12:07.513 hidden throughout her apartment. 201 00:12:08.504 --> 00:12:11.030 There was a Podiatrist Period, 202 00:12:11.030 --> 00:12:13.730 very similar to the Dentist Period. 203 00:12:13.730 --> 00:12:17.510 There was the Ticket Period where if she had a ticket stub 204 00:12:17.510 --> 00:12:20.270 to a show she'd already seen, 205 00:12:20.270 --> 00:12:21.860 she would take that ticket stub 206 00:12:21.860 --> 00:12:25.160 and repeatedly try to see the show again. 207 00:12:25.160 --> 00:12:27.350 There was the Social Security Period 208 00:12:27.350 --> 00:12:29.658 where she became convinced every month 209 00:12:29.658 --> 00:12:32.190 that she hadn't received her check, 210 00:12:32.190 --> 00:12:36.220 and she wrote elaborate letters all over the country 211 00:12:36.220 --> 00:12:37.733 to try and get her check. 212 00:12:38.690 --> 00:12:42.740 There was a Banana Period where she would eat 213 00:12:42.740 --> 00:12:44.600 dozens upon dozens of bananas, 214 00:12:44.600 --> 00:12:47.253 having no recollection she'd just eaten one. 215 00:12:49.490 --> 00:12:52.973 Her life was out of control. 216 00:12:54.600 --> 00:12:56.093 My life was out of control. 217 00:12:57.070 --> 00:12:58.750 It was really getting harder and harder for me 218 00:12:58.750 --> 00:13:00.003 to have my life. 219 00:13:01.220 --> 00:13:03.640 More and more my days were just spent 220 00:13:03.640 --> 00:13:06.090 trying to contain the situation. 221 00:13:06.090 --> 00:13:09.317 I mean, first of all I was so hysterical about the notes 222 00:13:09.317 --> 00:13:11.825 that I would arrive at her apartment 223 00:13:11.825 --> 00:13:15.370 armed with white out, and I would go to the calendar 224 00:13:15.370 --> 00:13:17.863 and white out anything she had written. 225 00:13:19.980 --> 00:13:22.370 And, after a while you have to wonder 226 00:13:22.370 --> 00:13:24.630 who's crazy, her or me? 227 00:13:24.630 --> 00:13:28.378 I was always so busy with the minutia 228 00:13:28.378 --> 00:13:32.260 of, "You don't have to go to the dentist today," 229 00:13:32.260 --> 00:13:34.276 or, "Your check came yesterday," 230 00:13:34.276 --> 00:13:39.276 that I managed to never really step back 231 00:13:39.361 --> 00:13:41.647 and look at the big picture and think, 232 00:13:41.647 --> 00:13:44.947 "Well, what is really wrong with her?" 233 00:13:47.910 --> 00:13:52.910 And, finally we did take her to have a medical evaluation, 234 00:13:53.000 --> 00:13:54.677 and I sauntered in and said, 235 00:13:54.677 --> 00:13:58.540 "Well I know that she's had a series of small strokes" 236 00:13:58.540 --> 00:14:00.510 because that's the diagnosis I want, 237 00:14:00.510 --> 00:14:01.863 that's the one she's had. 238 00:14:02.813 --> 00:14:07.813 They humored me and said, "Well, we'll decide what she has." 239 00:14:08.250 --> 00:14:11.187 And, they said, "No, she has not had strokes. 240 00:14:11.187 --> 00:14:12.647 "She's not a stroke candidate. 241 00:14:12.647 --> 00:14:15.237 "She's not someone who will probably ever have strokes, 242 00:14:15.237 --> 00:14:18.324 "and she has Alzheimer's." 243 00:14:18.324 --> 00:14:21.157 (emotional music) 244 00:14:54.310 --> 00:14:59.310 Getting the diagnosis was an incredible blow. 245 00:15:01.240 --> 00:15:05.420 By this time Alzheimer's was a popular disease. 246 00:15:05.420 --> 00:15:07.160 I had heard a lot about it, 247 00:15:07.160 --> 00:15:12.160 and I had heard the grimmest and most depressing things 248 00:15:12.740 --> 00:15:15.381 of people lying in fetal position, 249 00:15:15.381 --> 00:15:20.190 just unable to talk and feed themselves. 250 00:15:20.190 --> 00:15:22.480 Of course, she was nothing like that, 251 00:15:22.480 --> 00:15:24.924 but suddenly it dawned on me, 252 00:15:24.924 --> 00:15:27.383 I guess that's where we're headed. 253 00:15:31.552 --> 00:15:33.748 (phone rings) 254 00:15:33.748 --> 00:15:34.581 - [Doris] Hello? 255 00:15:34.581 --> 00:15:36.060 - [Debbie] Hi, it's Debbie. 256 00:15:36.060 --> 00:15:37.460 - [Doris] Hi Debbie, how are you? 257 00:15:37.460 --> 00:15:39.160 - [Debbie] Fine, how are you? 258 00:15:39.160 --> 00:15:39.993 - [Doris] Fine. 259 00:15:39.993 --> 00:15:43.290 I don't know why we don't get together more often, 260 00:15:43.290 --> 00:15:45.320 but we don't seem to. 261 00:15:45.320 --> 00:15:47.890 - [Debbie] Well, we got together last night. 262 00:15:47.890 --> 00:15:49.900 - [Doris] Oh heavens, what did I do last night? 263 00:15:49.900 --> 00:15:52.788 - [Debbie] Last night we all had dinner together. 264 00:15:52.788 --> 00:15:54.760 - [Doris] Oh yes. 265 00:15:54.760 --> 00:15:56.805 Oh, I'm a disgrace. 266 00:15:56.805 --> 00:16:00.474 That'd be awful if we all failed the course. 267 00:16:00.474 --> 00:16:05.474 Do they give grades now in school, in college? 268 00:16:05.760 --> 00:16:07.960 - [Debbie] Well, we're not in college, 269 00:16:07.960 --> 00:16:10.220 so we don't have to worry about it. 270 00:16:10.220 --> 00:16:13.490 - [Doris] Oh, we don't do anything then anymore. 271 00:16:13.490 --> 00:16:17.707 You don't get college grades. 272 00:16:17.707 --> 00:16:19.950 - [Debbie] No, we don't have to do that anymore. 273 00:16:19.950 --> 00:16:21.520 - [Doris] Oh, what do you do? 274 00:16:21.520 --> 00:16:24.089 Do you do just passing or what? 275 00:16:24.089 --> 00:16:26.400 - [Debbie] Well, we're not in college, 276 00:16:26.400 --> 00:16:29.130 so we don't have to worry about any grades. 277 00:16:29.130 --> 00:16:31.681 - [Doris] Oh, so it's whatever the university 278 00:16:31.681 --> 00:16:35.095 decides that we'll talk about. 279 00:16:35.095 --> 00:16:36.140 I guess. 280 00:16:36.140 --> 00:16:37.833 I don't know what else they'd do. 281 00:16:41.760 --> 00:16:45.720 - My mother went to the University of California. 282 00:16:45.720 --> 00:16:48.380 She got a graduate degree 283 00:16:48.380 --> 00:16:50.880 from Columbia School of Social Work. 284 00:16:50.880 --> 00:16:52.500 I think you could say that my mother 285 00:16:52.500 --> 00:16:55.412 was an intellectual snob who, 286 00:16:55.412 --> 00:16:57.440 even when she lived in California, 287 00:16:57.440 --> 00:17:00.230 she would not read the Chronicle because it was beneath her. 288 00:17:00.230 --> 00:17:02.410 Only the New York Times was good enough to read. 289 00:17:02.410 --> 00:17:07.347 And, I arrived at her house one day in the afternoon. 290 00:17:07.347 --> 00:17:12.347 The TV was on, and it was the Ed McMahon Variety Show 291 00:17:14.349 --> 00:17:19.349 with a child in a gold lame outfit tap dancing. 292 00:17:21.430 --> 00:17:24.780 Now, this is not my image of my mother, 293 00:17:24.780 --> 00:17:26.400 and she was not only watching this, 294 00:17:26.400 --> 00:17:29.760 but she was gleefully, euphorically watching this 295 00:17:29.760 --> 00:17:33.775 and laughing, and I was very upset. 296 00:17:33.775 --> 00:17:35.320 This is not my mother. 297 00:17:35.320 --> 00:17:37.092 This is beneath her. 298 00:17:37.092 --> 00:17:39.759 (playful music) 299 00:17:45.260 --> 00:17:48.373 - The times seem to run a little differently. 300 00:17:49.770 --> 00:17:53.560 How old were we when we got into... 301 00:17:55.620 --> 00:18:00.620 Not light hood, medium sized age? 302 00:18:01.630 --> 00:18:04.143 - [Debbie] Well, I guess I'm in medium size age 303 00:18:04.143 --> 00:18:05.987 'cause I'm 45. 304 00:18:05.987 --> 00:18:07.500 - You're 45? 305 00:18:07.500 --> 00:18:08.730 - [Debbie] That's medium. 306 00:18:08.730 --> 00:18:13.431 - Yeah, and I must be near 50 then. 307 00:18:13.431 --> 00:18:15.340 - Older than that. 308 00:18:15.340 --> 00:18:16.203 - Is it really? 309 00:18:17.400 --> 00:18:19.260 - 50-something then. 310 00:18:19.260 --> 00:18:20.093 60? 311 00:18:20.093 --> 00:18:22.320 - You know how old you are? 312 00:18:22.320 --> 00:18:24.020 84. 313 00:18:24.020 --> 00:18:24.853 - I'm 84. 314 00:18:26.342 --> 00:18:28.176 I haven't thought of that, Debbie. 315 00:18:28.176 --> 00:18:30.890 I haven't thought of my age in years. 316 00:18:30.890 --> 00:18:31.723 - Oh, that's good. 317 00:18:31.723 --> 00:18:32.620 There's no reason to. 318 00:18:33.818 --> 00:18:36.651 (emotional music) 319 00:18:40.790 --> 00:18:43.010 The first to go was the immediate memories, 320 00:18:43.010 --> 00:18:44.970 the really short term memory, 321 00:18:44.970 --> 00:18:48.450 but she could remember a couple of years ago maybe, 322 00:18:48.450 --> 00:18:50.090 and then that started to go. 323 00:18:50.090 --> 00:18:53.950 Essentially, the part of your life that you remember 324 00:18:53.950 --> 00:18:56.643 is further and further and further back. 325 00:18:59.082 --> 00:19:02.190 - [Doris] I don't think I know many people left from, 326 00:19:02.190 --> 00:19:03.923 where did we start with? 327 00:19:05.514 --> 00:19:08.997 - [Debbie] Well, you started in San Francisco. 328 00:19:08.997 --> 00:19:10.677 - Yeah, I guess I did. 329 00:19:10.677 --> 00:19:13.577 - [Debbie] And, then you went to New York for a long time. 330 00:19:15.220 --> 00:19:17.630 - Was I with somebody in New York? 331 00:19:17.630 --> 00:19:19.900 - [Debbie] You met Banesh, and you lived with Banesh 332 00:19:19.900 --> 00:19:22.140 for almost 50 years. 333 00:19:22.140 --> 00:19:24.310 - You mean, working with Banesh or what? 334 00:19:24.310 --> 00:19:27.610 - [Debbie] Yeah, you worked with him and lived with him. 335 00:19:27.610 --> 00:19:29.073 - I didn't realize that. 336 00:19:30.127 --> 00:19:33.360 (emotional music) 337 00:19:33.360 --> 00:19:38.184 - Little by little, the only real remaining memories 338 00:19:38.184 --> 00:19:42.863 are childhood and very early adulthood, 339 00:19:44.090 --> 00:19:48.620 and she remembers her parents fairly well, 340 00:19:48.620 --> 00:19:51.090 but what I always thought of as her life, 341 00:19:51.090 --> 00:19:56.090 what I knew to be her life which was me and my brother 342 00:19:56.650 --> 00:20:01.080 and my father and the 50 plus years 343 00:20:01.080 --> 00:20:05.900 that she lived in New York, that's mostly disappeared, 344 00:20:05.900 --> 00:20:10.040 or that's just become a puff that has occasionally 345 00:20:10.040 --> 00:20:14.450 some substance to it. 346 00:20:14.450 --> 00:20:19.203 Mostly it's a blur which was a little hard for me to take. 347 00:20:26.460 --> 00:20:29.260 - [Doris] But, of course, I would always know you 348 00:20:29.260 --> 00:20:31.720 because I've known you since you were little. 349 00:20:31.720 --> 00:20:34.260 - [Debbie] You knew me when I was born. 350 00:20:34.260 --> 00:20:35.886 - Were you really? 351 00:20:35.886 --> 00:20:39.180 I was across the street or something? 352 00:20:39.180 --> 00:20:42.360 Where were you born, what street? 353 00:20:42.360 --> 00:20:45.770 - [Debbie] 169th Street in Flushing. 354 00:20:45.770 --> 00:20:48.560 - [Doris] Oh, well that's where all of us lived. 355 00:20:48.560 --> 00:20:49.690 - [Debbie] Right. 356 00:20:49.690 --> 00:20:51.310 - 169th Street. 357 00:20:51.310 --> 00:20:56.310 Yeah, so I knew you, I knew Frances, I knew... 358 00:20:58.966 --> 00:21:00.466 Now wait a minute. 359 00:21:11.598 --> 00:21:12.765 Wait a minute. 360 00:21:14.100 --> 00:21:16.583 Well, what did I do in-between then? 361 00:21:17.496 --> 00:21:20.329 (emotional music) 362 00:21:33.670 --> 00:21:37.110 - She seemed to be at times, at periods, 363 00:21:37.110 --> 00:21:40.060 so suffering herself from the confusion, 364 00:21:40.060 --> 00:21:41.690 and from the feeling stupid, 365 00:21:41.690 --> 00:21:46.493 and from the feeling shamed and incompetent. 366 00:21:48.960 --> 00:21:53.230 - [Doris] Debbie darling, I am your stupid mother. 367 00:21:53.230 --> 00:21:56.120 I got everything mixed up. 368 00:21:56.120 --> 00:22:00.827 I didn't do anything I wanted to do or didn't do, 369 00:22:02.340 --> 00:22:07.210 and we didn't have a lovely outing and all sorts of things 370 00:22:07.210 --> 00:22:10.920 because I can't remember from one minute to the next 371 00:22:10.920 --> 00:22:12.723 what I do and don't do. 372 00:22:13.735 --> 00:22:16.568 (emotional music) 373 00:22:21.080 --> 00:22:26.080 - I really loved my mother when I was growing up. 374 00:22:27.730 --> 00:22:31.190 I felt very very loved by her, 375 00:22:31.190 --> 00:22:36.190 but with the Alzheimer's there were times 376 00:22:36.330 --> 00:22:38.963 that she was very hostile. 377 00:22:44.247 --> 00:22:46.650 There were times she was very hostile to me, 378 00:22:46.650 --> 00:22:48.280 sometimes in particular to me 379 00:22:48.280 --> 00:22:49.900 because I was the person there the most. 380 00:22:49.900 --> 00:22:52.880 I was the person trying to keep the lid on her, 381 00:22:52.880 --> 00:22:56.690 trying to keep order which was so frustrating 382 00:22:56.690 --> 00:22:59.230 and aggravating to her that she would really turn on me 383 00:22:59.230 --> 00:23:04.230 and see me as the enemy which was really painful. 384 00:23:29.170 --> 00:23:33.170 For the longest time, I still insisted on truth, 385 00:23:34.260 --> 00:23:39.260 reality being important, so she would say it was April 386 00:23:40.140 --> 00:23:45.140 when it was May, and I would say, "Oh no, it's May," 387 00:23:46.670 --> 00:23:51.670 and finally it dawned on me I have to be out of my mind. 388 00:23:52.080 --> 00:23:54.910 I mean, what does it matter? 389 00:23:54.910 --> 00:23:57.630 First of all she'll say, "Oh, it's May." 390 00:23:57.630 --> 00:23:59.000 And, the next minute she won't remember 391 00:23:59.000 --> 00:24:01.080 that it's May anyhow, and second of all 392 00:24:01.080 --> 00:24:04.203 what does it matter if she thinks it's April? 393 00:24:05.530 --> 00:24:08.850 If she was really convinced that we 394 00:24:08.850 --> 00:24:12.140 were in the sorority together at UC 395 00:24:13.242 --> 00:24:15.670 or we were in elementary school together, 396 00:24:15.670 --> 00:24:19.430 at a certain point I realized why not? 397 00:24:19.430 --> 00:24:21.537 Why not say, "Well, actually no, 398 00:24:21.537 --> 00:24:24.040 "I haven't seen any of the AEPhi girls lately," 399 00:24:24.040 --> 00:24:25.817 as opposed to saying, "Well, no, no, 400 00:24:25.817 --> 00:24:27.847 "I didn't go to UC when you did 401 00:24:27.847 --> 00:24:28.877 "because I'm your daughter 402 00:24:28.877 --> 00:24:31.098 "and you're that much older than me." 403 00:24:31.098 --> 00:24:36.098 It was a liberating moment for me when I could just say, 404 00:24:36.601 --> 00:24:39.867 "No, I haven't seen anybody from AEPhi, have you?" 405 00:24:40.790 --> 00:24:45.340 It was light and fun, and then we were in the moment, 406 00:24:45.340 --> 00:24:47.370 and the moment was we were two old friends 407 00:24:47.370 --> 00:24:52.370 trying to reminisce, and the content didn't matter. 408 00:24:52.660 --> 00:24:54.423 It was the feeling. 409 00:24:55.300 --> 00:24:59.680 - You're gonna be here and Frances and me. 410 00:24:59.680 --> 00:25:00.650 Who else? 411 00:25:00.650 --> 00:25:01.483 - That's it. 412 00:25:01.483 --> 00:25:02.660 - That's it? 413 00:25:02.660 --> 00:25:04.418 And, we're all gonna be here? 414 00:25:04.418 --> 00:25:06.920 So, it should be lovely. 415 00:25:06.920 --> 00:25:07.753 - Good. 416 00:25:07.753 --> 00:25:08.830 - I don't know what it is. 417 00:25:08.830 --> 00:25:10.940 (both laugh) 418 00:25:10.940 --> 00:25:12.297 - I don't either. 419 00:25:15.775 --> 00:25:17.180 - [Frances] Here, you take a picture 420 00:25:17.180 --> 00:25:18.480 of Debbie and me together. 421 00:25:19.910 --> 00:25:21.140 There you go. 422 00:25:21.140 --> 00:25:23.933 - Okay, you just hold it and point it at us. 423 00:25:25.981 --> 00:25:28.214 - Alright, do you see us? 424 00:25:28.214 --> 00:25:31.943 - [Doris] Yes, I see Debbie and I see Frances. 425 00:25:31.943 --> 00:25:34.026 (laughs) 426 00:25:35.809 --> 00:25:37.860 Oh, it says something I can't read. 427 00:25:37.860 --> 00:25:39.358 (laughs) 428 00:25:39.358 --> 00:25:40.612 Frances? Yes? 429 00:25:40.612 --> 00:25:42.695 (laughs) 430 00:25:51.540 --> 00:25:53.329 - [Debbie] Good. 431 00:25:53.329 --> 00:25:54.609 - [Frances] Now nobody can ever say, 432 00:25:54.609 --> 00:25:56.398 you didn't take a picture. 433 00:25:56.398 --> 00:25:57.412 - Yes, that's right. 434 00:25:57.412 --> 00:25:59.059 (laughs) 435 00:25:59.059 --> 00:25:59.892 - [Debbie] What does it say? 436 00:25:59.892 --> 00:26:04.749 For many years before she was ill and I was gay, 437 00:26:08.379 --> 00:26:10.839 this was something that was upsetting to her. 438 00:26:10.839 --> 00:26:14.799 And she worked on this and she became more tolerant and... 439 00:26:15.859 --> 00:26:17.969 But she was- it was never something she, 440 00:26:17.969 --> 00:26:20.022 I would call, comfortable with. 441 00:26:20.999 --> 00:26:25.609 But once she started to have this disease, 442 00:26:25.609 --> 00:26:26.799 she was down to basics. 443 00:26:26.799 --> 00:26:30.802 And the basics were, I had a friend, Frances. 444 00:26:31.679 --> 00:26:34.449 This person was very nice to me. 445 00:26:34.449 --> 00:26:36.369 This person made me happy. 446 00:26:36.369 --> 00:26:37.849 That was a good thing. 447 00:26:37.849 --> 00:26:40.019 This person was very nice to her. 448 00:26:40.019 --> 00:26:41.189 Made her happy. 449 00:26:41.189 --> 00:26:42.719 That was a good thing. 450 00:26:42.719 --> 00:26:44.779 It was just very simple, oh. 451 00:26:44.779 --> 00:26:47.537 - And your friend, Frances, here. 452 00:26:47.537 --> 00:26:49.889 She's being very careful. 453 00:26:49.889 --> 00:26:51.849 - [Debbie] Yeah. (laughs) Yeah, she is. 454 00:26:51.849 --> 00:26:52.969 She's being careful. 455 00:26:52.969 --> 00:26:55.104 - Nevertheless, we all love her dearly. 456 00:26:55.104 --> 00:26:57.493 (laughs) That's true. 457 00:26:57.493 --> 00:26:58.326 - [Debbie] Uh-huh. 458 00:26:58.326 --> 00:27:00.042 - You know it and I know it. 459 00:27:00.042 --> 00:27:00.875 And Frances knows it. 460 00:27:01.744 --> 00:27:03.120 - [Frances] Mm-hmm. 461 00:27:03.120 --> 00:27:06.120 (light piano music) 462 00:27:08.712 --> 00:27:10.959 (sweeping violin music) 463 00:27:10.959 --> 00:27:13.609 - [Debbie] My mother has always been 464 00:27:13.609 --> 00:27:18.352 a very independent, strong-willed, kind of a loner, type. 465 00:27:21.889 --> 00:27:24.589 In my mind, her independence 466 00:27:24.589 --> 00:27:29.112 was more important than protecting her all the time. 467 00:27:33.447 --> 00:27:35.489 (horns honk) 468 00:27:35.489 --> 00:27:38.489 (gentle jazz music) 469 00:27:42.076 --> 00:27:44.752 (siren wailing) 470 00:27:44.752 --> 00:27:47.839 More and more things that could 471 00:27:47.839 --> 00:27:50.672 lead to catastrophe were happening. 472 00:27:52.919 --> 00:27:54.139 Hi, it's Debbie. 473 00:27:54.139 --> 00:27:55.309 - [Doris] Hi, Debbie, how are you? 474 00:27:55.309 --> 00:27:59.319 - [Debbie] Well I'm fine, I understand you got locked out? 475 00:27:59.319 --> 00:28:00.279 - [Doris] I got what? 476 00:28:00.279 --> 00:28:03.279 - [Debbie] You got locked out of your apartment? 477 00:28:03.279 --> 00:28:04.156 - [Doris] No I didn't! 478 00:28:04.156 --> 00:28:05.429 (laughs) - [Debbie] Yes you did. 479 00:28:05.429 --> 00:28:07.872 Somebody just called to tell me that. 480 00:28:09.061 --> 00:28:12.719 - [Doris] Well, they may have. I've been here all the time. 481 00:28:12.719 --> 00:28:13.719 - [Debbie] Well, no, you haven't. 482 00:28:13.719 --> 00:28:16.069 But you have to be sure you stay there, 483 00:28:16.069 --> 00:28:18.492 you can't go out wandering. 484 00:28:19.363 --> 00:28:20.839 You stay- - [Doris] But I was there! 485 00:28:20.839 --> 00:28:21.999 In the building! 486 00:28:21.999 --> 00:28:24.549 - [Debbie] Well, you were out of the apartment 487 00:28:24.549 --> 00:28:27.149 and you got you got yourself locked out. 488 00:28:27.149 --> 00:28:29.853 - [Doris] Well, I didn't, no one else did. 489 00:28:29.853 --> 00:28:30.787 (Debbie sighs) 490 00:28:30.787 --> 00:28:32.469 I don't know what you mean. 491 00:28:32.469 --> 00:28:35.709 - [Debbie] Well, you just have to be sure you stay home. 492 00:28:35.709 --> 00:28:37.625 - [Doris] Well, I do stay home. 493 00:28:37.625 --> 00:28:38.458 (chuckles) 494 00:28:38.458 --> 00:28:40.996 Everyone was staying home. - [Debbie] Yeah. 495 00:28:40.996 --> 00:28:45.996 - [Doris] Everybody who has an apartment, 496 00:28:46.589 --> 00:28:48.619 they said, let's all stay at home. 497 00:28:48.619 --> 00:28:50.393 And we all stayed at home. 498 00:28:50.393 --> 00:28:51.813 - [Debbie] Okay, well that's good. 499 00:28:51.813 --> 00:28:53.439 You just stay there. 500 00:28:53.439 --> 00:28:56.932 - [Doris] Yeah, it was the thing to stay at home. 501 00:28:58.139 --> 00:29:01.010 - [Debbie] Alright, now you stay home for the night. 502 00:29:01.010 --> 00:29:01.843 (laughs) 503 00:29:01.843 --> 00:29:03.642 - [Doris] Alright, I'll stay home for the night. 504 00:29:03.642 --> 00:29:04.939 - [Debbie] Okay, good. 505 00:29:04.939 --> 00:29:08.179 - [Doris] Okay, I don't like sleeping alone anyhow. 506 00:29:08.179 --> 00:29:12.369 So, I'm very happy to be in my bed, by myself. 507 00:29:12.369 --> 00:29:14.169 - [Debbie] You put your pajamas on. 508 00:29:14.169 --> 00:29:16.209 - [Doris] Yes, of course. 509 00:29:16.209 --> 00:29:18.212 And, um, all is well. 510 00:29:21.294 --> 00:29:24.159 (light jazz music) 511 00:29:24.159 --> 00:29:29.059 - [Debbie] I was constantly looking for a way to connect 512 00:29:29.059 --> 00:29:31.889 and a way to know what she's thinking. 513 00:29:31.889 --> 00:29:34.862 And what she's feeling and what I should be doing. 514 00:29:37.099 --> 00:29:40.462 But it was kind of like interpreting dreams. 515 00:29:44.369 --> 00:29:48.409 If ever there was a period that seemed to have meaning, 516 00:29:48.409 --> 00:29:50.739 that seemed to be saying something to me, 517 00:29:50.739 --> 00:29:53.342 it was The Suitcase Period. 518 00:29:54.599 --> 00:29:56.899 And The Suitcase Period began 519 00:29:56.899 --> 00:30:01.899 with her taking out all of her suitcases and packing them. 520 00:30:02.679 --> 00:30:06.029 And, it was not clear from how she packed them, 521 00:30:06.029 --> 00:30:07.199 where she planned on going. 522 00:30:07.199 --> 00:30:09.969 I mean, they were packed with, kind of, 523 00:30:09.969 --> 00:30:10.802 anything and everything. 524 00:30:10.802 --> 00:30:11.779 I mean, she would just pack until 525 00:30:11.779 --> 00:30:14.529 there was no more room to pack anything. 526 00:30:14.529 --> 00:30:16.559 So, I had to remove everything 527 00:30:16.559 --> 00:30:18.849 that might be construed as a container. 528 00:30:18.849 --> 00:30:22.082 And still, you know, that she would find ways to pack. 529 00:30:24.329 --> 00:30:26.049 But you know, I thought, well she's, 530 00:30:26.049 --> 00:30:29.479 must be, she's saying something to me. 531 00:30:29.479 --> 00:30:32.499 She's saying, she wants to go somewhere. 532 00:30:32.499 --> 00:30:35.579 She wants to move, she doesn't feel at home. 533 00:30:35.579 --> 00:30:38.647 This is a, this is a period with meaning. 534 00:30:38.647 --> 00:30:41.317 ("Bye Bye Blackbird) 535 00:30:41.317 --> 00:30:44.920 - ♪ Pack up all my cares and woe, ♪ 536 00:30:44.920 --> 00:30:49.304 ♪ Here I go, singing low, ♪ 537 00:30:49.304 --> 00:30:54.304 ♪ Bye, bye, blackbird. ♪ 538 00:30:56.399 --> 00:31:00.080 ♪ Where somebody waits for me, ♪ 539 00:31:00.080 --> 00:31:04.552 ♪ Sugar is sweet, so is he, ♪ 540 00:31:04.552 --> 00:31:09.552 ♪ Bye, bye, blackbird. ♪ 541 00:31:11.205 --> 00:31:16.205 ♪ There's no one here to love and understand me, ♪ 542 00:31:19.304 --> 00:31:24.304 ♪ Oh, what hard luck stories they all hand me. ♪ 543 00:31:26.961 --> 00:31:30.686 ♪ Make my bed and light the light, ♪ 544 00:31:30.686 --> 00:31:34.599 ♪ I'll be home late tonight, ♪ 545 00:31:34.599 --> 00:31:39.599 ♪ Blackbird, bye, bye. ♪ 546 00:31:41.733 --> 00:31:45.066 ♪ Blackbird, bye, bye. ♪ 547 00:31:56.927 --> 00:31:58.550 ("In the Good Old Summertime") 548 00:31:58.550 --> 00:32:00.883 (whistling) 549 00:32:04.851 --> 00:32:09.579 - ♪ In the good old summertime ♪ 550 00:32:09.579 --> 00:32:14.579 ♪ In the good old summertime ♪ 551 00:32:14.679 --> 00:32:18.762 ♪ Strolling through a shady lane ♪ 552 00:32:19.779 --> 00:32:23.712 - So, I began looking at places to move her. 553 00:32:23.712 --> 00:32:26.089 And I probably went to thirty places. 554 00:32:26.089 --> 00:32:27.089 It was vile. 555 00:32:27.089 --> 00:32:29.589 It was, you know, there would be, if it- 556 00:32:29.589 --> 00:32:31.879 Places that accepted people with Alzheimer's, 557 00:32:31.879 --> 00:32:33.019 mixed in with other people, 558 00:32:33.019 --> 00:32:35.539 basically the Alzheimer's people were drugged, 559 00:32:35.539 --> 00:32:38.072 put in wheelchairs, and tied in. 560 00:32:40.619 --> 00:32:43.729 But eventually, I stumbled into a place 561 00:32:43.729 --> 00:32:46.639 that was exclusively for Alzheimer's, 562 00:32:46.639 --> 00:32:51.639 and that seemed to allow people to have their dementia, 563 00:32:52.179 --> 00:32:54.369 however they were going to have it. 564 00:32:54.369 --> 00:32:59.362 And, the moment I walked in, I knew this was the place. 565 00:33:04.249 --> 00:33:08.519 When I talked with the director about how to move her, 566 00:33:08.519 --> 00:33:10.239 and I was planning, you know, 567 00:33:10.239 --> 00:33:11.909 well, how am I gonna tell her this? 568 00:33:11.909 --> 00:33:15.227 And she said to me, "Tell her nothing." 569 00:33:15.227 --> 00:33:16.979 I was just horrified, and I thought, what? 570 00:33:16.979 --> 00:33:19.309 I'm gonna just, you know, kidnap my mother, 571 00:33:19.309 --> 00:33:21.849 throw her in a car, and bring her to a strange place, 572 00:33:21.849 --> 00:33:23.319 and leave her there? 573 00:33:23.319 --> 00:33:26.846 She just said, "Trust me, do not try to explain this to her. 574 00:33:26.846 --> 00:33:30.006 "You will just agitate the two of you so terribly, 575 00:33:30.006 --> 00:33:32.106 "you will not be able to discuss it." 576 00:33:33.259 --> 00:33:36.429 The night before we moved her, 577 00:33:36.429 --> 00:33:37.979 I go off to dinner with my mother, 578 00:33:37.979 --> 00:33:39.729 and she said to me, "You know" 579 00:33:39.729 --> 00:33:40.829 and she pointed at the apartment. 580 00:33:40.829 --> 00:33:43.106 She said, "You know, I used to live, 581 00:33:43.106 --> 00:33:44.306 "when I was in college I think, 582 00:33:44.306 --> 00:33:47.002 "I had a room up in that apartment. 583 00:33:49.046 --> 00:33:50.876 "Sometimes I'd go and eat dinner there. 584 00:33:50.876 --> 00:33:52.776 "And sometimes I'd even, I'd sleep over, 585 00:33:52.776 --> 00:33:53.756 "they'd let me sleep over, 586 00:33:53.756 --> 00:33:56.999 "but I don't think I'll sleep there after tonight." 587 00:33:56.999 --> 00:34:00.666 (gentle instrumental music) 588 00:34:13.458 --> 00:34:16.929 I felt like, and believe me, we hadn't said a word, 589 00:34:16.929 --> 00:34:18.739 we had tried not to act any different, 590 00:34:18.739 --> 00:34:23.509 I felt that she knew and that she was saying to me, 591 00:34:23.509 --> 00:34:26.360 it's okay, you're doing the right thing. 592 00:34:26.360 --> 00:34:27.248 (laughs) 593 00:34:27.248 --> 00:34:28.181 - This is Vivian. 594 00:34:28.181 --> 00:34:29.036 - Hello. - [Doris] Hi Vivian. 595 00:34:29.036 --> 00:34:31.052 - Vivian, this is Doris. - Hello. 596 00:34:31.052 --> 00:34:33.417 - And Ann is taking a nap. 597 00:34:33.417 --> 00:34:35.565 We won't wake her. 598 00:34:35.565 --> 00:34:40.172 - [Debbie] And she was, a little cautious walking in. 599 00:34:41.449 --> 00:34:43.141 - Art, this is Doris. 600 00:34:43.141 --> 00:34:45.681 - Hi Doris, hello, nice to meet you. 601 00:34:45.681 --> 00:34:46.856 - Hi Doris. 602 00:34:46.856 --> 00:34:49.193 - Hello, I don't want your phone interrupted. 603 00:34:49.193 --> 00:34:51.047 - That's alright, don't worry about it. 604 00:34:51.047 --> 00:34:54.049 Nothing's too important to come say hello to you. 605 00:34:54.049 --> 00:34:55.389 - They immediately, sort of took her 606 00:34:55.389 --> 00:34:56.688 a little bit away from me. 607 00:34:58.849 --> 00:35:02.379 I mean, it was, I guess, the hardest thing I've ever done, 608 00:35:02.379 --> 00:35:04.162 was walking out of there. 609 00:35:05.079 --> 00:35:06.249 I mean, I don't know if I thought 610 00:35:06.249 --> 00:35:07.709 I was gonna feel some instant relief, 611 00:35:07.709 --> 00:35:08.649 or something, but I didn't. 612 00:35:08.649 --> 00:35:12.699 I felt like I'd just done the most horrible thing 613 00:35:12.699 --> 00:35:14.542 to a person I could possibly do. 614 00:35:15.959 --> 00:35:18.009 And we, Frances and I, drove home, 615 00:35:18.009 --> 00:35:21.569 and (sighs) I just laid down. 616 00:35:21.569 --> 00:35:23.132 I just felt horrible. 617 00:35:24.200 --> 00:35:27.867 (gentle instrumental music) 618 00:35:45.186 --> 00:35:46.897 - Just a second. 619 00:35:46.897 --> 00:35:48.139 - [Debbie] The first time that they, 620 00:35:48.139 --> 00:35:50.142 that we went back to see my mother, 621 00:35:51.089 --> 00:35:52.059 and it was two days later. 622 00:35:52.059 --> 00:35:54.979 And we were so frightened of what we were gonna find, 623 00:35:54.979 --> 00:35:57.909 and she was actually taking a little nap when we arrived, 624 00:35:57.909 --> 00:36:00.769 so that she woke up in this state, 625 00:36:00.769 --> 00:36:01.999 saying all these things. 626 00:36:01.999 --> 00:36:04.729 And she periodically, I wrote it down afterwards 627 00:36:04.729 --> 00:36:07.259 'cause it was so shocking, I was- 628 00:36:07.259 --> 00:36:10.469 She would periodically, just kind of throw her arms out 629 00:36:10.469 --> 00:36:13.316 and say, "Oh, the joy of me!" 630 00:36:14.369 --> 00:36:16.929 And then she would just look around again, and... 631 00:36:18.471 --> 00:36:19.304 - It's lovely. 632 00:36:19.304 --> 00:36:22.544 - Good! (laughs) 633 00:36:22.544 --> 00:36:23.472 Excellent! 634 00:36:23.472 --> 00:36:24.305 - Yeah, it's fun. 635 00:36:24.305 --> 00:36:25.278 - Uh-huh? - Yeah. 636 00:36:25.278 --> 00:36:26.111 (whistles) 637 00:36:26.111 --> 00:36:29.194 - There's one, and two, and one more. 638 00:36:32.846 --> 00:36:36.085 And that's it, okay Sylvia, let's do the next one together. 639 00:36:36.085 --> 00:36:38.949 Put your arms out in front, crawl. 640 00:36:38.949 --> 00:36:41.279 - It took longer for me to adjust 641 00:36:41.279 --> 00:36:44.449 to my mother being in a home, than her. 642 00:36:44.449 --> 00:36:46.282 She was used to it instantaneously. 643 00:36:48.599 --> 00:36:52.779 Just as, her watching Ed McMahon on TV 644 00:36:52.779 --> 00:36:56.299 was a bit of a blow to my image of her, 645 00:36:56.299 --> 00:36:57.549 and so the first time, you know, 646 00:36:57.549 --> 00:36:59.919 that I came and she was wearing 647 00:36:59.919 --> 00:37:04.069 some man's T-shirt and sweatpants, it was hard for me. 648 00:37:04.069 --> 00:37:06.299 You know, I had to keep making these adjustments, 649 00:37:06.299 --> 00:37:08.372 but I eventually caught up to her. 650 00:37:09.922 --> 00:37:12.342 - N-31, we have it, we have it. 651 00:37:13.788 --> 00:37:16.209 N-31, there. 652 00:37:16.209 --> 00:37:17.629 - [Caller] What's the matter? 653 00:37:17.629 --> 00:37:19.609 - Does that mean 31 cents? 654 00:37:19.609 --> 00:37:21.354 - No, it's just the number, 655 00:37:21.354 --> 00:37:23.892 and if you get a whole line, then you win. 656 00:37:25.209 --> 00:37:26.729 - I don't think I'll get it. 657 00:37:26.729 --> 00:37:28.317 - Well you got it last time. 658 00:37:28.317 --> 00:37:30.139 - What'd I get? - [Caller] B-13. 659 00:37:30.139 --> 00:37:31.429 - You won last time. 660 00:37:31.429 --> 00:37:33.548 - I'd forgotten that. - Mm-hmm. 661 00:37:33.548 --> 00:37:35.825 - B-9. 662 00:37:35.825 --> 00:37:36.825 - I have it. 663 00:37:38.943 --> 00:37:41.373 - [Caller] Okay, I-26. 664 00:37:41.373 --> 00:37:42.304 - I have it. 665 00:37:42.304 --> 00:37:43.436 - [Caller] I-26. 666 00:37:43.436 --> 00:37:44.436 - I have 27. 667 00:37:45.439 --> 00:37:48.292 - When we first moved her into the home, 668 00:37:49.159 --> 00:37:51.419 we brought some prized possessions 669 00:37:51.419 --> 00:37:55.729 that we thought were important to have her orient herself, 670 00:37:55.729 --> 00:37:57.482 or remind her of something. 671 00:37:58.779 --> 00:38:00.169 And she didn't want those things. 672 00:38:00.169 --> 00:38:03.189 Those things were a source of stress. 673 00:38:03.189 --> 00:38:05.339 It turned out, you know, that her apartment 674 00:38:06.499 --> 00:38:08.459 just represented added anxiety, 675 00:38:08.459 --> 00:38:09.629 even though there was nothing 676 00:38:09.629 --> 00:38:11.509 she had to do in her apartment, 677 00:38:11.509 --> 00:38:16.509 it was filled with her life, which she couldn't remember. 678 00:38:16.689 --> 00:38:18.769 So, you know, she knew that something would be familiar, 679 00:38:18.769 --> 00:38:20.219 but what exactly was it? 680 00:38:20.219 --> 00:38:23.509 And that would all set off anxiety. 681 00:38:23.509 --> 00:38:27.389 And she, you know, removing all of that 682 00:38:27.389 --> 00:38:29.979 was such a relief for her. 683 00:38:29.979 --> 00:38:31.017 - BINGO! (laughs) 684 00:38:31.017 --> 00:38:32.882 - [Caller] Yeah! Doris got Bingo! Woo! 685 00:38:32.882 --> 00:38:35.189 (clapping and cheering) 686 00:38:35.189 --> 00:38:37.051 - Who gave it? - You got Bingo? 687 00:38:37.051 --> 00:38:37.989 - What'd it say? 688 00:38:37.989 --> 00:38:39.726 - Look, you got a whole row of 'em. 689 00:38:39.726 --> 00:38:42.059 - Woo, graham crackers honey! 690 00:38:42.059 --> 00:38:43.282 You're the big winner today! 691 00:38:43.282 --> 00:38:44.212 - Yes, thank you. 692 00:38:44.212 --> 00:38:45.045 - You're welcome. 693 00:38:45.045 --> 00:38:46.299 - [Debbie] And she was finally, you know, 694 00:38:46.299 --> 00:38:50.379 down to just clothes that were not her own, 695 00:38:50.379 --> 00:38:52.809 not a single possession except her pocketbook, 696 00:38:52.809 --> 00:38:54.189 still clung to her pocketbook. 697 00:38:54.189 --> 00:38:56.179 But the only thing in the pocketbook, 698 00:38:56.179 --> 00:38:59.869 usually is some kleenex and a penny. 699 00:38:59.869 --> 00:39:04.869 There's not another thing of her past that she has. 700 00:39:05.437 --> 00:39:09.354 ("Let Me Call You Sweetheart") 701 00:39:13.311 --> 00:39:18.311 - ♪ Let me hear you whisper that you love me too ♪ 702 00:39:20.471 --> 00:39:25.471 ♪ Keep the love light glowing, in your eyes so true ♪ 703 00:39:28.251 --> 00:39:33.251 ♪ Let me call you sweetheart, I'm in love with you ♪ 704 00:39:36.789 --> 00:39:41.789 ♪ Let me call you sweetheart, I'm in love with you ♪ 705 00:39:44.489 --> 00:39:47.399 - [Debbie] Everybody who's there, has a disease 706 00:39:47.399 --> 00:39:48.919 they'd rather not have. 707 00:39:48.919 --> 00:39:52.129 Everybody who's there is going to get worse. 708 00:39:52.129 --> 00:39:53.609 Everybody's essentially gonna die 709 00:39:53.609 --> 00:39:55.172 from what they have there. 710 00:39:56.809 --> 00:40:01.472 You know, and there's nothing uplifting about that. 711 00:40:06.499 --> 00:40:09.559 But with, once you accept the parameters, 712 00:40:09.559 --> 00:40:13.129 my mother has Alzheimer's, and it is true, 713 00:40:13.129 --> 00:40:15.419 she is gonna remember less and less and less, 714 00:40:15.419 --> 00:40:18.669 and she may very rarely know who I am. 715 00:40:18.669 --> 00:40:21.199 But if you can accept that, 716 00:40:21.199 --> 00:40:24.812 it can still be a very joyful life. 717 00:40:29.289 --> 00:40:32.649 It's so, on one sense, so corny, 718 00:40:32.649 --> 00:40:36.769 and so profoundly, obviously true, 719 00:40:36.769 --> 00:40:39.549 that with the love, my mother's okay. 720 00:40:39.549 --> 00:40:42.329 And she's in a place where she is given 721 00:40:42.329 --> 00:40:44.759 constant, unconditional love. 722 00:40:44.759 --> 00:40:47.149 And she thrives on it. 723 00:40:47.149 --> 00:40:48.782 And by thriving, she's happy. 724 00:40:50.033 --> 00:40:54.616 She is the ultimate of living in the moment, that's... 725 00:40:57.279 --> 00:40:58.429 You know, she's sort of the ultimate 726 00:40:58.429 --> 00:41:00.999 enlightened person, in that... 727 00:41:06.219 --> 00:41:09.089 well, I don't know, you know, what memory... 728 00:41:10.249 --> 00:41:11.936 I mean, I'm very attached to my memory. 729 00:41:11.936 --> 00:41:12.979 (laughs) 730 00:41:12.979 --> 00:41:16.309 I mean, I'm very attached to my childhood memory 731 00:41:16.309 --> 00:41:20.372 and my, it sort of does tell me who I am. 732 00:41:21.969 --> 00:41:23.789 But, I guess it's clear to me, 733 00:41:23.789 --> 00:41:26.129 that you can still be somebody without it. 734 00:41:26.129 --> 00:41:30.552 You still have definition without a past. 735 00:41:32.729 --> 00:41:36.249 - I did have a warm feeling, 736 00:41:36.249 --> 00:41:41.249 for what, the few of us, made a sentence here 737 00:41:41.899 --> 00:41:43.479 or a sentence there, go. 738 00:41:43.479 --> 00:41:44.312 - [Debbie] Mm-hmm. 739 00:41:44.312 --> 00:41:47.119 - And I just now, just recently, 740 00:41:47.119 --> 00:41:49.669 just within the last hour or so, 741 00:41:49.669 --> 00:41:54.146 I began to think, we were all parties together. 742 00:41:54.146 --> 00:41:54.979 - [Debbie] Mm-hmm. 743 00:41:54.979 --> 00:41:58.252 - And that simply hit me today, just now. 744 00:41:59.699 --> 00:42:02.542 And I'm happy it's here. 745 00:42:03.948 --> 00:42:08.789 And I'm not sure I remember where everyone lived 746 00:42:08.789 --> 00:42:13.789 and so forth, but there's something close 747 00:42:13.789 --> 00:42:18.062 that's still with me and I'm grateful for it. 748 00:42:21.774 --> 00:42:24.357 (light music)